My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.