I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
next question.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?