I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon