My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.