My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*