woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming