So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala