My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.