My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.