@casey_csaszar: My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
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@donni: MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
@emmatheist: Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
@PJisBeast: I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail.