@casey_csaszar: My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
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@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
@LittleHarmonica: I hate it when people think I'm staring when really I'm trying to kill them with my mind.
@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.