My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
23. the denim jacket
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
The sun is 100% solar-powered.