I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
We’re all getting idioter.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.