@legreece: My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.
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@yobrah_: I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
@GreenishDuck: Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head.
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.