@legreece: My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.
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@ninjadinosaur1: I'm pretty sure there isn't a single Australian animal that wouldn't look good in a top hat.
@CelebrityChez: Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible! Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard