@legreece: My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.
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@ppppolls: 30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
@BoutCrazed: Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
@WheelTod: I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
@marveljedi: when pennywise said “i’m not real enough for you? it was real enough for georgie” i was like damn alright PETTYwise that was uncalled for