My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“you changed” bro i was 15
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer