My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
You Might Also Like
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.