My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you love someone, let them sleep.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.