@P1ssed_K1d: My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.
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@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@DillDoes: *throws king crab into tank of normal crabs* Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright
@KateWhineHall: "Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I've ever seen." "Mam, that's a tire." "Kids, get me a napkin."