My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I hate when that happens.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
back to work
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
your honor my client chooses dare
Yup!