My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
You Might Also Like
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
bury ourselves
wut hotdog?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back