Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me