Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.