Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Flock of bats
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My dad is at it again
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Always
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.