Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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My blood type is coffee.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*