Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
You Might Also Like
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?