My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
You Might Also Like
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Waiting for the Charmin
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?