My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!