@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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@SamGirlSunday: If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
@cwhudson: *taps on a super old dude's oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind