My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…