My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
You Might Also Like
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event