@NotARatsAss: My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
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@AthenaMystique: *Turns up "Eye of the Tiger"* *air boxes* *jumps imaginary rope* *takes awesome nap* *crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*
@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo? Me: Never Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake. Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.