Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow