@NicCageMatch: My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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@professorxavi: To me, God will always be that guy that could've made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, "Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS."
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@ComeHome4Dinner: 2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off. Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
@garrettbarry70: The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later"