My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.