I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This squirrel eats better than I do
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Hey i am sexy to you now
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Not😆🤣
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers