@pro_failure: My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.
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@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
@jimmytorosian: Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.