My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭