me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Thursday
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife