I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.