[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I love you to the refrigerator and back
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I am all good here, 😂😉
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
How I’d get arrested…