My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
BRO LMFAO
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Catercrombie & Fish
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”