@dirtydishtowels: My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
@dafloydsta: [counseling] She gets angry a lot "He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere" YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
@iYoungKhalifa: She:Hey,Whats up? Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin'? M:Nutshells. S:Really?Fine.What's poppin? M:Corn. *Blocked*