@dirtydishtowels: My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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@TragicAllyHere: [Movie theater] *as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
@INandONyourMIND: I tell my daughter she has no idea how lucky she is. When I was 12, I had to use a pay phone and walk 10 miles in the snow to get weed
@burgerdrome: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss... but you won't miss. You've trained your whole life for this. Take the shot. Kill the moon.