@noogscorner: Me: Hi. Girl: No.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.

@psychopompis: man-ant: picnic's over boys ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run! man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*

@sixfootcandy: Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies? Me: We were robbed. Husband: They only took the cookies? Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

@donni: I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.