@dirtydishtowels: My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
@psychopompis: man-ant: picnic's over boys ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run! man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies? Me: We were robbed. Husband: They only took the cookies? Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?