@TragicAllyHere: [Movie theater] *as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

@heatherjs: If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, "I'll cut you."

@INandONyourMIND: I tell my daughter she has no idea how lucky she is. When I was 12, I had to use a pay phone and walk 10 miles in the snow to get weed

@burgerdrome: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss... but you won't miss. You've trained your whole life for this. Take the shot. Kill the moon.

@duchesskk: "Let's play 21 questions" Nigerian Girl: how tall are you? Nigerian Guy: Rice. What's the worst thing you've done with a guy?