My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.