@kwkorpi: My dog just winked at me, and now I'm wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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@JPHaddadio: Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
@patrickhogan91: 22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders
@GrantTanaka: son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
@therealeatwood: ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]