My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow