My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice