@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
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@TheDailySchmuck: Black Super Mario *Jumps on mushroom* *Throws fireball at turtle* *Slides down sewer pipe* *Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@MichaelTrying: Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you've had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.