@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
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@RowanElHossary: I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.
@Fred_Delicious: *sees a hot girl on the train* "ay gurl check this out" *i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
@TheAlexP: Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
@0point5twins: "I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the café opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that café"