@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
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@BoogTweets: If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
@cepheusjackson: [SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
@PaperWash: vampire waiter: would you like to order? customer: I'll have a steak vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?
@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.