My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!