@EyeSeeYou619: Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@CantWaitToNap: Don't expect a "bless you" after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

@cjwerleman: I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@jlock17: Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would've paid to see that.

@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking