Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
yeah 😭
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Fixed this for Shakespeare