@PortRooster: Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry? Earth: You just don't understand the gravity of the situation. Sun: Oooh... Burn!!!

@KevinFarzad: I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@joe_binkley: Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

@kamiekaymee: Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.