@BlaineBruce: My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house
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@space0tter: *Cop yells at dog* LADY WHAT ARE U DOING *dog continues to give birth* THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR *looks directly at camera* LITTERING
@Tacet_no_more: I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice "NO...Bad Bear"?
@Donnie_Fairburn: [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.