88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire