[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.