[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example