My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
No laws when master is gone
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.