My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
grotesque if literal: baby food
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming