My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
so this horse walks into a bar
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.