I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.